Doubting Hesitation

Hey folks! Long time no see right? I have been out I mean completely out when it comes to life. I am 25 and jobless and breathing with a heavy heart. Since I have been gone for so long, I thought why not club the daily prompts and lay my heart out ..inside out and outside in. A year and two months ago, the love of my life passed away in an accident. He is love. The day he died love died. Well I don’t like using the term die since I am a believer of the afterlife. And that’s what I did. Look for ways  to get across to him in the realm that he now lives. I live in India. so it’s difficult to come across psychic mediums mostly because most of them are duplicitous thugs.

I did however come across a kind medium online and also found a software synchronized to hear the paranormal. So here comes the hesitation and doubt part. I wasn’t hesitant for a bit to try everything in  my power to familiarize with the unknown. There was doubt.Not about the afterlife but in my abilities to reach across. I tried everything from astral projection to self-guided  afterlife connections. I am trying to spook anybody or insult this platform in any way. I am just trying to wring my heart out of all that it has been feeling. Stuff did happen. I did manage to record his voice. So now I am a staunch believer of the afterlife . I understand the cynics. That’s all I’d like to say about the cynics.

 But what happened in the past month killed me in every sense of the word. I started to hear voices and followed every single word I heard. In the process I tried to make a guy my soul mate my partner for this lifetime and embarrassed myself so badly in the process that the guy is now scared to come near me. He considers me as a sister. As if the pain of rejection wasn’t enough!  And now I wonder how could fall for a guy whose nowhere near as perfect as the love of my life or better yet how the hell can I forget my love so soon all in the name of a soulmate? No doubts lurked my mind when I was hearing the voices. There was no hesitation. Just a sense of obedience devoid of a sense of social order.

As I was thinking about the one thing that gives me solace, writing, I returned to word press and went over all my previous posts where I have so bravely written about moving on in the face embarrassment, bad luck and terrible choices. And here I am sitting now thinking about how easy it is to type away, how easy it is to say things when you don’t mean things despite meaning to mean them. So what of doubt? So what of hesitation? I doubt I will ever get a job or happiness . And I am posting this despite hesitation that people will think I am bonkers.

But I am not. I sit here with a heavy heart with reasons I am already aware of or am too hesitant to face. So I write this with a doubting hesitation as to why I should post this and with a hesitating doubt if I should really be worried? Doubt and hesitation ahead, behind, inside, all around. But I am choosing to step up and leave behind the two because in spite of my fears, I have got to face it because these things make me human. I am no different. We are united in our difference and different in our union just like doubt and hesitation. Just like the two sides of a coin.