Desire

Is the world running on desires?  I think yes. Maybe we are all being driven by a desire to be better. But is that what desire is about? Getting better?  Or is desire a dream? A dream that is driven by hopes which may or may not fruition. Buddha had so much to say about desire and all of it is true. Time has nothing to do with what he said. Desire is eternal, it is ageless. It may be one of the only things that remains the same , holds the same face even in times of great transformation. There is always a desire. Always. Even when there are no desires there is always a desire to not have desires. Or at least a hope that prevails .

 

 

Doubting Hesitation

Hey folks! Long time no see right? I have been out I mean completely out when it comes to life. I am 25 and jobless and breathing with a heavy heart. Since I have been gone for so long, I thought why not club the daily prompts and lay my heart out ..inside out and outside in. A year and two months ago, the love of my life passed away in an accident. He is love. The day he died love died. Well I don’t like using the term die since I am a believer of the afterlife. And that’s what I did. Look for ways  to get across to him in the realm that he now lives. I live in India. so it’s difficult to come across psychic mediums mostly because most of them are duplicitous thugs.

I did however come across a kind medium online and also found a software synchronized to hear the paranormal. So here comes the hesitation and doubt part. I wasn’t hesitant for a bit to try everything in  my power to familiarize with the unknown. There was doubt.Not about the afterlife but in my abilities to reach across. I tried everything from astral projection to self-guided  afterlife connections. I am trying to spook anybody or insult this platform in any way. I am just trying to wring my heart out of all that it has been feeling. Stuff did happen. I did manage to record his voice. So now I am a staunch believer of the afterlife . I understand the cynics. That’s all I’d like to say about the cynics.

 But what happened in the past month killed me in every sense of the word. I started to hear voices and followed every single word I heard. In the process I tried to make a guy my soul mate my partner for this lifetime and embarrassed myself so badly in the process that the guy is now scared to come near me. He considers me as a sister. As if the pain of rejection wasn’t enough!  And now I wonder how could fall for a guy whose nowhere near as perfect as the love of my life or better yet how the hell can I forget my love so soon all in the name of a soulmate? No doubts lurked my mind when I was hearing the voices. There was no hesitation. Just a sense of obedience devoid of a sense of social order.

As I was thinking about the one thing that gives me solace, writing, I returned to word press and went over all my previous posts where I have so bravely written about moving on in the face embarrassment, bad luck and terrible choices. And here I am sitting now thinking about how easy it is to type away, how easy it is to say things when you don’t mean things despite meaning to mean them. So what of doubt? So what of hesitation? I doubt I will ever get a job or happiness . And I am posting this despite hesitation that people will think I am bonkers.

But I am not. I sit here with a heavy heart with reasons I am already aware of or am too hesitant to face. So I write this with a doubting hesitation as to why I should post this and with a hesitating doubt if I should really be worried? Doubt and hesitation ahead, behind, inside, all around. But I am choosing to step up and leave behind the two because in spite of my fears, I have got to face it because these things make me human. I am no different. We are united in our difference and different in our union just like doubt and hesitation. Just like the two sides of a coin.

Fills in Everything ..Even Your Heart

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Food for the Soul (and the Stomach).”

After dogs,I think food should be considered as a man’s best friend.A lonely person would know that food is everything that people are not. I feel that if you have a favorite meal then there are automatically great memories attached to it because even in the worst of times..it makes you feel better.Food awaits.It could be the time you came back home from school feeling peckish,it could be the time you came back after a game of baseball,it could be the time when you are feeling low ;but the best thing is there is no time.Food never leaves like people,it doesn’t change like people,it retains innocence.It remains everything that you want it to be.Its an amazing partner.

I have seen people take food for granted.They don’t realise that there are millions around the world starving,dying due to the dearth of food and water,just the basic amenities of life.Its not right . Food doesn’t just fill an empty stomach,it serves gluttonous minds too but mostly it caresses the tender heart suffusing it with uncomplicated happiness .Food deserves respect.It has the capacity to fill an empty stomach.to act as a source of solace to a broken heart,to trigger memories.Food is not  a non-breathing entity.Its life.Its a life giver and  hence a lifesaver.It may not be adept to articulate its feelings likes humans do but it certainly has the ability to stand by you unwaveringly in the midst of overwhelming storms in life unlike most people who tend to leave.Food is food.I have no favorites.For me,everything is dependent on what I feel at a particular moment.

Food is selfless.

Things not meant to be….

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “But No Cigar.”

I am at a very bad place in my life right now.My heart is heavy , my stomach is churned and the only part of my body that can seek solace are my fingers typing away in search of a way  leading to a thought which may finally make me feel that yes ..yes things do work out.But do they?

I have been a loner all my life. I have never felt that I belong and I feel luck feels the same way about me.It evades me. I have heard people say that positive thinking helps but I am not sure. I was a victim of ragging. Torture,fear,trapped,unheard and unseen.All the things I felt. Six months of hell , it seemed like an eternity.Tears came as salt water and dried up as my mind was under the invasion of a drought. I don’t know if it was as bad as it seemed at the time but it really felt so.

 I had chosen to be far away from home,to get my whiff of freedom.Adulthood is tough or should I say that the transition is tough.It doesn’t come with a word of caution saying ,WATCH OUT..YOU ARE ABOUT TO ENTER THE REALM OF THE HORRIFIC AND  THE HAYWIRE!!! Well I somehow escaped my hell and joined my new alma mater  a year later. I can’t say it was all hunky dory but I can  definitely say it was better.I finally graduated with flying colors.

So here’s what I learned..things happen.There is no escape.There may be moments of tranquility but those moments are fleeting.One needs to find within oneself that one thing which keeps you going. The world around you may be crumbling but you have  to just keep holding on..holding onto something that really matters.Its not going to be easy.There will be things that will try and tumble you and you will probably fall.But you know what,it doesn’t matter.Nobody can bog you down unless you want to be bogged down even terrible choices.You can either live through it or turn it around.Living through it can make you stronger and turning it around can make you happy.In the end being stronger or happier ,both help. Nothing is permanent.The pain subsides.Everything is in your hands. Afterall its all a matter of choice.

Just Right Or Never Right?

The term ‘right’ is an adversity. Its objective and its an everlasting dream.Getting things ‘ just right’ for you and the people around you isn’t a cakewalk.But there are things that are never right or will never be right .When it comes to people, there are some who will never find you or your doings right.Its a hassle to get things right..there is almost always a sense of gratification attached to it. Always looking to please or get pleased.Well I just feel that until this point I haven’t been able to write anything right.But what the hell …I don’t want to succumb to any pressures and fall prey to pleasing .

What is right and what is wrong? Its all perspective.Who is to say that a number of wrongs will or will not lead one into a glorious path of right and righteousness .Well I am a master of faults. No matter how hard you try,some decisions are simply bad.You pick up the pieces,learn from your mistakes and move on.Its all a matter of choice.I am a train wreck when it  comes to  making decisions. But again…nothing ever comes easy does it? The thing that bothers me is why is there a pathological need in everyone to get things right? So what if things don’t turn out the way you want them to..the earth will still rotate on its axis and people will still keep breathing on and at the end of the day it turns out to be a lesson in acceptance , tolerance and forbearance.

Boy,wouldn’t it be boring if everything went our way…downright boring!!! Sometimes life may surprise you with things wanted and unwanted.Its how you you deal with it. Trust me people ,brooding over things bygone can only lead to migraines and hair loss.

For now,I am okay with things being just right or never right because no matter how perfectly you do and plan things,they don’t always work out.I can’t say that things always fall into place but I can guarantee you one thing..in the end we all find peace in our decisions or at least learn to find our peace. I guess it will just make us better humans.Just keep going ,never give up,change your definitions of life according to situations that are hurled at you,be strong ,try and mend your life and not bend to the noose of fate and always..I mean always EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED and nothing will ever go wrong again.

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Whoa!.”

The word ‘whoa’ is my woe right now. As I am trying to think of an experience worth mentioning, there are a number of things which are running through my mind.Do I write about the time I walked all the way back home from school holding a monkey’s hand,the time I was stuck in a train for five days straight or the time when I thought God had come to meet me in a dream.

But finally I decided to go with none of it.I was reminded of an incident which happened pretty recently. I was on my way back from the ATM with my friends . As we were about to reach the gate of our hostel ,I heard a voice hollering at us from behind. We turned around only to find a fruit vendor .He said,”Here take some grapes with you.You don’t have to pay.Please come.” We were all dumbstruck.Not knowing what to do, we walked towards him anyway.As we made our way towards him I kept thinking,”Wait ..what?whoa! He doesn’t want us to pay?There’s no catch?That’s not right.”

At this point I can say that neither I nor did my friends have a clue as to how this gentleman’s SELFLESS deed was to be requited with words or otherwise.We thanked him and his wife profusely and in return all he said was,” Just keep me in your prayers.” I am drawing a blank as to what we said or did next.

For me,this was a truly surreal experience.Being a pessimist by nature ,such an act of random kindness left me speechless.I mean where in the world do you find people who want nothing but your prayers? I mean I know there are people out there who have devoted their lives to humanity but this was the first time where I saw someone a person who could frankly do better with some ‘receiving’ was ‘giving’ away a part of his livelihood.Rarely have I come across people who want nothing in return like my parents.

I felt overwhelmed and blessed.At that moment I truly felt like a child of God.The fruit vendor will probably never know the kind of impact he had on us.But right now,right here I want to thank him from the bottom of my heart for making me realize  that goodness costs nothing and that all you need is a big heart and not a big bank balance 🙂